THE SOURCE OF MY LONELINESS

love

2009-10-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

I want you to love me, but I don't think you will. I wander around as i repeat this to myself. It's the only answer I have, even if I'm scared of getting hurt. I'll say "I love you"to the one I love. Do you love me or not? I don't care what the answer is, I just need to know! No matter how badly I desire to be with you. There are so many unchangeable things in this world, and my love for you can't stopped by anyone.As 100o nights pass, I long to tell you... I have to let you know. Putting these feeling into words is so scary, but... The happiness we chance upon in our lives can't be expressed in words.That's why we can only smile. Why we sing "Do Re Mi"among the vivid autumn colors. With winter at our backs, and the spring sunbeams peeking through the leaves as to protect someone who's just been reborn.As I looked at the road I'd traveled and the path ahead, my eyes were filled with cowardice. I wanted to look into your eyes, but was afraid I wouldn't be honest.I didn't want to know that you didn't love me and live the rest of my days all alone. That day, i kept on loving you without getting hurt.Even if my feelings aren't returned, I can say "I love you"to the one i love... And that's the most beautiful thing in the world.

webcam~!

2009-10-16T12:57:00.001-07:00

Hello hello~! people who read my blog. hee~! well. today webcam with intan. long time never webcam with her. so we took some photo while webcam-ing. fun.. here the photo.. i love the first one. i look hot. but im not. hahaha!

.

2009-10-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

There was your heart, and there was mine. This love, torn apart by every word.
Is hopeless love all we have? Is this what we dreamed?
I cannot go.
Take this heart let it die slow. Tear away from the pain. Tear away from the red.
Are we trading in our hearts for emptiness?
Is this love or human condition?
I close my eyes to see you. Hope is in your name.
Where you are I cannot go.
Take, this heart and let it go

alyy....

2009-09-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

To Alyy The CicakWoman.. heee...

I read your blog about your life and stuff.. Chill lah cutestuff/hotstuff.. hahaha...
Well, My story is just like yours.. I can go far in school but i choose not too.. Cause to me, it's like waste of time and stuff.. If i never stop schooling.. I'm be at Nafa now.. taking my Dipolma in fine art's.. But fuck that.. hahah! Don't worry.. Trust me.. You will go to school back.. And fuck the people WHO thinks that we don't have a life.. We have a life.. heh.. Smoking.. hmmm.. Well, remember i promise you that i cut down smoking.. i did cut down.. BUT now, i become not so a heavy smoker.. hahah.. but it's normal for people to smoke.. hahaha... And sometime you can be pain in the ass.. hee... To tell you the true.. I'm a loner too.. I'm not lie-ing.. I don't have a lot of friends.. (Just tell you. maybe you don't wanna know) You will get use to it.. Parents.. hmmm.. I don't wanna talk about it.. PARENTS SUCK!!!! hahahah!! Thats all i can say to you alyy.. heee.. And Please Please don't do anything stupid to yourself k. If you need someone to talk too.. Just text or call me. But somethings i can be busy.. hahah! Well. hope you smiling or laughing reading this stupid shit.. I want to tell you something.. I miss looking at your smile.. hahahah!!! REMEMBER THIS.. I still thinking and care about you. Cause your FRIEND!!!!! <3 So Cheep up.

...

2009-09-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Hello there, People who read my blog.. hahah!! Guess what.. Today i'm 1 YEAR SINGLE!!!! YAY! hahah!! wtf.. And today i must get drunk and high.. hahah! Anyway yesterday i never turn up for the photoshoot.. hee.. Sorry.. I wake up late.. Well nvm.. Anyway life has been great, this month.. Meet alot of new friends and stuff.. And i have like 2 months to go before i ___ .. hahaha!! Well.. blog some another time.. IF i'm not busy.. Going to slack now.. bye bye..

Months to live

2009-08-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

wish i had known sooner
but things dont always
go the way you think
doc said im dying
no, not great news
took me by surprise
3 months he said
not enough time
i have things to tell
people, stuff to do
let loved ones i
do love them a lot
and and and
i cant go, not now
really i cant
but....
i am
why didnt i do
some things before
should have done
maybe, i cant
get all done, i need to
more time God
please a month or two
first i have to cry
then......

hello

2009-08-14T02:40:00.001-07:00

Hello people!!!
It's been a long time, I never blog.. Been busy with alot of stuff nowdays! :D
Just to tell you guys that now i'm 11 months single!! hahah!!
I never know i can make it this far without love!! XD
Now i'm going to beat qissy pantat recond of being single...
3 years!!!! can i make it?? we shall see how lh!! :D
Anw i start skating back.. just to waste time! And it's so hard to find a job nowdays! *sign*
Skip the boring part!! XD
I'm glad, i got to contact back with my long lost friends back!! Yeeeessss arh!! XD
Well!!! I don't know what to talk about ready! Cause my life is full of boriness!!!
i don't belive in love!! LOVE SUCK!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! :D

I'll wait for you

2009-07-31T23:44:00.001-07:00

I'll wait for you after I go.
Yes I'll miss you, and I hope you know
How much I love you, my love, my friend
How much I'll think of you, until the end.

This will be so hard when I have to leave
But time will fly, you just wait and see.
And then we'll be together forever once more
And we'll carry on like we did before.

This whole leaving thing is probably just a test
To see if we're really meant to be, or to give it a rest.
You are my true love, I know this dear.
And every night, I know I'll want you here.

I'll think of you every night and day
And pretend you're next to me, and hear you say
'I love you too, you are my world
My only love, my favorite girl.'

I'll wait for you, no matter how long it takes
No matter how grieved and sad it would make.
But you just wait right there, and you will find
That a few years from now, you'll just be mine.

We'll start our life together like how it should start.
And we'll remind ourselves, we have each other's heart.
So I'll wait for you, dear, no matter how much I cry.
The hardest thing, is to say goodbye.

I'll wait for you, until the ends of the earth.
That's how much I care, how much you're worth.
And I won't move on, no matter what I do.
I can't fall in love again, because I'm waiting for you.

....

2009-07-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

No words can describe how im feeling right now..... just silence...

....

2009-07-24T01:50:00.000-07:00

Never in a million years did i think.
I'd find someone so utterly.
And completely perfect.
Someone who'd make me happier than
I ever dreamed i could be.
Someone that would touch my life.
So profoundly and give me
a whole new reason to breathe

alyy <3

2009-07-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

I miss you like very very very much.. <3 I'm so happy that you come in my life. You bring joy, happyness and love around me.. And I LOVE IT!!! <3 You mean everything and i mean everything in my life.. XD I just cry a bit, Cause i miss you like hell!! I try looking at your photo but it"s not making me feel better!!! I promise you, when we meet!! I'm going to hug you like how i hug my BANTAL!! XD
Love is in the air people!!!! <3

My dear <3

2009-07-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

Alyy Alyy Alyy Alyy <3
heheh!
Is she, the girl i being waiting for all this time...
She give hope to fall in love again..
malu gile pe!! XD
Anw abt Alyy Cicakwoman..
She very AWESOME
HOT ( i mean very very hot) XD
Cute and we have super alot alot in common!!!! <3
She always wants to win. hmmph! LOL.. nvm :)
I know alot abt her and whts going on with her life!!
BUUUUTTTT.. She dnt know mind!! bluek <3
But dnt worry you going to know me better soon!! :)
See i can change a robot girl to a happy girl she use to be! XD
If any of you guys make her cry. you going to get a sucker punch from me! XD LOL
Can wait for the show down! :)
Thank you for being my friend ALYY!!! <3
Love yaaa!!!! <3
You will always be in my heart!!

Sunday!

2009-07-19T04:30:00.000-07:00

Well well well.. it's sunday and im rotting at home! hahah!! Anyway I forgot to tell you guys, i know this hot and cute chick name alyy in tagged! We chat at msn and all. And we have a nickname for each other!! alyy i call her CICAKWOMAN!!! and me BIGHAIRMAN!!! LOL.. And we going to have a show back soon!! LOL XD we going to battle on GUITAR HERO!!!! Best hero wins... XD Anw today i wake up SUPER DUPER early!! like ard 4 plus in the morning!! try very very hard to slp back but i cant. :( nvm.. skip some part...!!! :) Anw mum call me ard 12.45 pm. asking me to meet her at bedok intercharge ard 1.15 pm i think!! hahah! So we walk ard look for stuff and i walking like a zombies! half die!! till i remember i need to buy a new bowers! LOL :) So i saw this shop. and i like the boxers. The guy like 1 for 6 bucks and 2 for 10 bucks!! so i buy two!! one is spongebob and any one is i dnt know what design. But it's in black! vveeerryy nice~~~~ vveeerrryy pretty~~~~ LOL XD So done buying stuff and all! I and my mum head home. But I walk hm and Mum took the bus! guess What i reach hm first!! XD first thing first. When i reach home! i jump to my bed and go to slp like a baby!! XD When i woke up, Check my phone and All 13 missed call from my friends!! And 3 msg from alyy, farah, and din! So now im chating with ALYY <3>

hello

2009-07-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

I'm back to update my blog again.. hahah! it's been a while, I nvr update! sorry!! Anw first thing first!!! I just change my phone again... lol XD This time i bought LG ku990.. It's a cool phone and I LOVE IT!! XD
I use this phone like 2 weeks ready! Thk god.. i nvr let it fall... hee~~
Anw i remember the time i slack with my friends like ard 3 plus in the morning, and i start taking photo using my 5.0 MP phone camera. hahah!! BTW im suck at blogger!! LOL XD

TAKE A LOOK!!!!

to fafa! i make this for you!

2009-06-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

Twinkle twinkle little scar how i wonder how deep you are.
Acrost the arteries up the rist one main cord your lifes at risk.
Twinkle twinkle little scar how i wonder how deep you are.

Take out the picture blow off the dust.

Take off the frame it’s starting 2 rust.

Remember the timez we had together.
What happened to being Best Friends Forever.

Slit my rist and hope to die why will life not let me go i wonder why inside is so dark and so empty i wish i could let go i wish i could blink and be gone!

A locked door,
A rusty razor,
A towel stained with red,
A folded note on the floor,
A broken miror,
A young girl there dead,
Her emotions in a tangel,
The room begins to spin,
She wasn't mommy's perfect angel,
And she wasn't daddy's lil girl,
All she is now,is dead....

A touch of crimson on snow white skin
dark crimson rubies comin from within
it drips on the velvety white floor,
another life leavn the world once more
as eyes turn misty and colour fades
i see my life in shades of grey
i see the veins the main arterie,
crimson liquid flowing eva so slowly
and i close my eyes with the coming cold,
i always knew i wont grow old

im gunna draw a picture a picture with a twist ill draw it with a razor blade ill draw it on my wrist!!!!

this mask i wear she serves me well,
she hides my pain so they cant tell,
they see her smile, never my tears,
she shows no sorrow she fights all my fears,
she believes she is me if only they knew,
that she is my mask my savior too,
my scars she hides behind laughter and lies,
she says she is fine but slowly she dies….

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet
And so are you,
But the roses are wilted,
The violets are dead
Ahe sugar bowl's empy.
i always there for you!!

FEELING

2009-05-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

I screamed out your name. Even my voice will probably never reach you.

But you know, now I'm ok with that. Some day in my heart you'll be.

I'll dream tonight, dreams of you. Because of that letter I put under my pillow.

My dreams are too cruel, my breath is cut off.

I always painfully awaken at four in the morning.

Time is too painful. The dreams don't stop.

Love freezes to death. Cold night on such a long night.

My consciousness splintered and powdered.

Memories scattered about holding your ring so tightly…

That my tears wet the pillow. So I couldn't hear it.

I blocked my ears…to your voice.

One more scar added to my wrist.

Melting into the wound... you...

I am breaking… Burning the letter…

It's reduced to ash… I am breaking …

Destroy my heart… I am breaking…

Losing you…

I love you… I love you… I love you…

I am breaking…

Losing you…

I love you!!!

Rest in peace…

I will always love you…

To my dear mithridate Cassandra…

THE SOURCE OF MY LONELINESS

2009-05-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

This is one of those nights that i can't seem to sleep peacefully..I miss you my mithridate..

your smile, your laughter, your gentle touch, your scent, your kiss, the medicine to cure my pain..

your everything..although i've moved on, i do miss you every night when im alone in my bed..time heals slowly..

there are nights when i dreamt of you and how i wish i could be lost in those dreams..

and how i wish that the only reason my eyes would open is with you by my side..

Sometimes i wonder why you went away without saying goodbye..i need that..

We shared so many memories and has been thru alot together..And all those while you're sick and i don't even know it, you never show...

you're always so happy around me..i felt so fortunate for awhile to have you..and i would trade just about anything if God could keep you with me..

and i miss you still..no words to describe how im feeling right now..just silence..

the source of my loneliness..this pain, it won't go easily..how i wish this was just another lie..or perhaps a bad nightmare..

rest in peace.

i will always love you